Tox-Ed Crusaders
by Mr. Dusk
Summary: After a freak accident, the three Eds transformed into three hideously deformed mutants of superhuman size and strength. Now they need to find a way to turn themselves back, all the while fighting angry scientists, aliens from another dimension, a shady government group, and a duck that plans to dominate the world. Fighting for fame, fortune, and jawbreakers!


This Ed, Edd, n Eddy fan fiction starts off rather differently, it starts off with an original villain driving a U-Carry truck down the highway with his Canadian mail-order henchman. This villain was the diabolical, devious, and really evil mad scientist Doctor Frankenbeans.

"Mad? I'm not mad! I'm just ANGRY!" yelled Frankenbeans.

"DOCTOR Frankenbeans!"

Oh sorry, why are you so angry?

"Well, my mother always said that I'd be a failure at life and-"

No, I mean at this moment in time.

"Oh, well I got all this toxic waste product that I need to get rid of! Ted Turner has been on my ass about it for months and I don't need some metrosexual blue hippie in my life!"

Ah, I see. Also, Doctor Frankenbeans kinda looks like a dark skinned Vincent Price with oval glasses and a rockin' silver goatee that matched his silver mohawk.

As stated before, there was also a Canadian mail-order henchman named Dick who rode along with the angry scientist.

"I know bein' a henchman fer an evil and insane doctor probably isn't th' best career path, but in this economy ya gotta do what ya gotta do, eh?" said Dick.

"Shut up Dick! I don't pay you to explain your job situation!"

Dick shrugged, "Yeah, but I got nothin' else t' do, 'sides givin' exposition."

"Then tell the audience what we got in the toxic waste!"

Dick put on a TV gameshow host's outfit and got out a microphone, "Well doc, tonight's toxic waste comes all th' way from yer own personal failed experiments! We 'ave three barrels full of personality!"

"Ooh! Do tell, Dick!"

"Barrel numero one comes from yer experiment on tryin' t' create th' perfect virus t' hold th' world ransom! Unfortunately all ya came up with was th' cure t' th' common cold."

"And what use could we possibly get out of that?"

"Barrel two contains various mechanical parts purchased from black markets overseas in third-world countries, such parts are illegal in most of the North West and Canada because of how faulty they are. As you all reading at home may guess, 'ey all fell off th' doc's machines th' second he tried t' use 'em!"

"They were cheap! VERY CHEAP!"

"Last and least is barrel three that contains pure red fox DNA from th' talking fox experiment what turned into a total disaster, eh doc?"

"Less said about that, the better."

"So tell us doc, what lucky town will get these very special vats of toxic waste?"

Doctor Frankenbeans took out a road map from his lab coat, "Well, it has to be somewhere out of place, somewhere that nobody would think to look."

"Somewhere that corresponds to the plot?" asked Dick.

"Right! We'll take them to Peach Creek! A small no-where town in the mid-west!"

"Alright! Where is it?"

"...give me a minute."

**XxXxX**

Meanwhile, the Eds were running away due to another failed scam that we're not going to bother to show, for budget reasons.

"Looks like we're not counting Big Picture Show as canon for this fan fiction!" Ed yelled.

"Shut up Ed!" Eddy yelled at him, he turned towards Double-D, "This is all YOUR fault Sockhead!"

"MY FAULT? You're the one who said it'd be a good idea to steal everyone's property and sell it back to them!" Double-D nagged.

"You could've talked me out of it!"

"Right..."

The other kids came into view carrying torches, pitchforks, maces, nunchucks, giant mallets, and a flyswatter.

"THERE THEY ARE!" yelled Kevin.

"STRING THEM UP BY THE BALLS!" yelled Sarah.

"BURN THEM AT THE STAKES!" yelled Rolf.

"Wow, they're super cereal this time!" Eddy commented.

"Serious, Eddy." Double-D corrected.

"SHUT IT."

The Eds stopped because there was a cliff, they turned around to see the kids who were Kevin, Sarah, Rolf, Jonny, Jimmy, and the blonde girl, and all of them were pissed.

"We are surrounded!" Ed yelled.

"Your punishment will be slow and painful, yes?" said Rolf.

"Plank wants the first hit!" Jonny yelled.

"Well Double-D, any bright ideas NOW?" Eddy asked.

"Umm...turn ourselves in and get a slap on the wrist?" Edd suggested.

"I'M GONNA RIP YOUR LEGS OFF FOR STEALING MY BIKE, DORKS!" Kevin yelled.

Ed looked down the cliff, he saw a U-Carry truck driving down the road with a trailer behind it, "Looks like we're gonna have to jump!"

Before anyone could attack the Eds, Ed grabbed Double-D and Eddy and jumped off the cliff heading for the truck. The truck's trailer was right under the Eds, and barrels full of toxic waste were on the trailer. Each of the Eds fell into a barrel, and the barrels rolled off the trailer. The barrels hit the road and rolled off it into the river.

From the cliff, the kids looked down and couldn't see the Eds anymore.

"Oh my god, do you think they died?" the blonde girl asked.

"They'd better, or I'll make them wish they did!" said Kevin.

Jonny put an ear to Plank, "Plank says that they might have fallen onto that truck carrying toxic waste, and that the waste would turn them all into mutants of superhuman size and strength."

Everyone else gave Jonny a flat look.

"Are you retarded or something?" Sarah asked.

"No, Plank's just been reading the script."

"Script? What is this script?" Rolf asked.

"I think it's some sort of schizophrenia." Jimmy noted.

Little did they know, the three Eds were undergoing horribly terrifying and painful transformations that we also couldn't show because of budget reasons.

**XxXxX**

The three barrels of toxic waste reached the end of the river and rolled up onto the ground. Four green hands reached out of one of the barrels and grabbed the edge of the opening. The hands pulled out a very green looking Ed, who looked much taller and muscular than usual as evident by his ripped clothing. His skin had become a dark green color and what looked like huge purple boils were swelling all over him, but the most drastic change by far was the extra two arms he seemed to have grown. Ed looked at his reflection in the water and could only think of one word to say.

"Awesome!" Ed pumped his four arms in the air.

"My word, that was most unpleasant." came what seemed to be the voice of Double-D, albeit sounding a bit like Microsoft Sam. Ed turned towards the voice to see something crawling out of another barrel that looked like Double-D, but all Ed could see was a robot. This robot looked a lot like Double-D, but it had metal plating all over instead of skin, and instead of two legs there was only one big leg and a wheel at the bottom.

Ed picked up the robot with two of his hands, "COOL! I always wanted one of these!"

The robot moved its head up and down, "Ed? Is that you?" it asked.

"Wow! And it knows my name!"

"Ed! What in the world happened to you?"

"Well, me and my friends were being chased-"

"No I know that! How did you get all green?

"I dunno little robot, maybe I'm just a growing boy."

"Robot? Ed- wait, why can't I feel my..." the robot looked down.

"I wonder where Eddy and Double-D went..."

There was a banging of metal and Ed looked over to see an overturned barrel. Ed dropped the robot and headed for the barrel.

"Hello?"

"GET THIS OFF ME YOU IDIOT!" yelled Eddy's voice.

Ed pulled the barrel up and let out what looked like Eddy with a lot of red fur on his face, fox-like ears, nose, whiskers, and a tail.

"Frickin' finally, took you long enough to get me out of there."

For once, Ed was dumbstruck.

"What the hell happened to your skin Ed? Did your allergies act up again?"

Ed put a hand on Eddy's head, "FUZZY!"

Eddy slapped Ed's hand, "The fuck's your problem?"

Ed got out a mirror and showed Eddy his face.

"...what...the...fuck?"

"You turned into a furry!" Ed cheered.

Eddy snatched the mirror and put a paw to his muzzle, "My face...my handsome face...ruined!"

"Why...why is there a wheel where my legs should be?" asked the Double-D robot, "I feel unwell."

The fox-Eddy looked over at the Double-D robot in confusion. He walked over, looked the robot over, and then knocked on the groin area a few times hearing a metal-like sound.

"Yep, Double-D's a tin man." Eddy concluded.

"That's Double-D?" Ed asked.

"Of course it is, stupid."

"Hiya Double-D!"

The Double-D-bot covered his groin area with his metallic arms, "Did you have to hit there?" it asked.

"For the sake of physical comedy, yes."

"Did you feel anything?" asked Ed.

"That does not matter now! What in the Sam Hill happened to us?"

Ed put a finger up, like a know-it all would, "It is simple Double-D! We have all turned into hideously deformed mutants of superhuman size and strength! Cool, huh?"

Eddy's eyes narrowed, "Yeah, cool. We look like circus freaks, or at least the freaks from some sort of huge geek convention."

Double-D put his metal hands on the top of his metal head, his hat now simply a part of his metallic body, "This cannot be happening. I cannot LIVE like this!"

Ed patted Double-D on the back with two hands, "Aw don't worry Double-D! Just think of all the cool things you can do now that you're a robot!"

Double-D was silent for a moment, "Well, this is the end, beautiful friends." he headed back towards the water.

Eddy stopped him, "Oh no you don't Sock-er, Metalhead! Metalhead, does that work?"

Yes, yes it does.

"You can't self-terminate yet! You need to fix this!"

"And just what makes you think I can fix THIS?"

"Because I sure can't, and Four Arms over there probably can't."

Ed was currently poking some of his purple boils, one of them popped and shot out acid onto one of the barrels. The acid made a couple of holes into the barrel.

"I suppose not, shall we head home?"

"What about the kids?" Ed asked.

"Ed, you've turned into a huge green rip off of what was already a terrible character, Double-D's a robot, and I'm a furry. What more could the kids do to us?"

To answer that, the Eds headed for home and as soon as they were spotted, a very high pitched shriek of terror rang out in a five block radius.

"MONSTERS!" cried out Jimmy. This got the attention of all the other kids who screamed at the sight of three hideously deformed mutants of superhuman size and strength.

"Relax, it's just us!" Eddy told them.

"HOLY SHIT! THEY CAN TALK!" screamed Kevin.

"Great observation skills shovel-chin."

"Kevin do something!" screamed the blonde girl.

Kevin stood there a moment, then ran into his house and locked the door. The blonde chick ran after him and tried to open the door.

Ed walked over to Sarah and Jimmy, "Hello baby-"

"GET AWAY FROM US!" Sarah yelled as she threw a parked car at Ed which split in two as it hit him. Ed was unharmed.

"Oh man, mom's gonna be mad, she loves dad's car."

"The beasts are too powerful! Rolf must break out the heavy artillery!" Rolf ran to his backyard.

"Perhaps this was a bad idea." Double-D admitted.

Eddy rolled his eyes, "What's Rolf going to do? Hit us with a fish again? Sick his goat on us?"

Rolf came back with a shotgun.

"Wait, seriously?"

Rolf cocked the shotgun and aimed it at the Eds.

"Oh shit! RUN!" the Eds all ran in different directions as Rolf shot at them.

**XxXxX**

It was around that time that Dr. Frankenbeans and Dick had found the perfect place to dump their nuclear waste: the back alley of a Applebee's.

"Alright Dick, let's make a dump!" announced Dr. Frankenbeans.

"Eh, whatever ya say boss." said Dick as he started to pull down his pants.

"I meant the toxic waste! That's just gross!"

"Oh, right." Dick pulled his pants back up and went to the back of the trailer, "Say doc, how many barrels o' waste did we have again?"

"Three."

"Really? Because it looks more like zero."

"What-what-WHAT?" Dr. Frankenbeans went back to see the vacant trailer. Not a barrel in sight. Not even a can.

"Well, at least we got rid of them, so job well done?" asked Dick who was slapped.

"NO! NOT 'JOB WELL DONE' YOU DOLT!" the doctor grabbed Dick, "We're supposed to be the villains! The job isn't done unless we actually DUMP the toxic waste we're trying to illegally dump!"

"Ya want t' say that a bit louder doc? I don't think th' people in th' next county heard ya."

The doctor was about to say something more, but decided not to. He let go of Dick, and sighed, "I just really wanted to harm the environment..."

"Well you're in luck doc, I got what ya need right here." Dick had in his hands a large canister with what looked like glowing pink jelly moving inside.

"Where did that come from? You don't have pockets!"

"I've been keeping it in my pants, ya forgot it when we fled the lab with the toxic waste. It's th' carnivorous jam you were working on, remember?"

"Oh right! Good thinking Dick! Shall we release it to devour everyone in this town?"

"Can't think of a good reason not to."

Dick threw the canister into the Applebee's which shattered and the jam escaped. It immediately lunged for the nearest waitress and devoured her whole, screaming rang out and people ran out of the restaurant.

Dr. Frankenbeans laughed at patted Dick on the back, "Classic Dick move there!"

"Sure is. What now, doc?"

"Ooh! Let's watch the carnage from a safe distance!"

"Way ahead of ya, doc." Dick took out a remote control, pushed a few buttons, and the U-Carry truck transformed into a helicopter. The trailer simply vanished with no explanation.

"You know Dick, sometimes I could just kiss you."

"Oi, you don't pay me enough fer that, doc."

"Fair enough."

The two climbed aboard the copter, and flew high up to watch the jam chase after people.

In a police car nearby, two police women were watching the jam attacking civilians.

The light skinned cop with blonde hair pointed at it, "Well look at that Kat, people are, like, being eaten by strawberry jam."

The dark skinned cop with brown hair nodded, "Mmhmm, they sure are Jules."

"Do you think we should, like, do something about it?" asked Jules.

Kat shook her head, "Nah, I'm sure it'll sort itself out."

And that's when the jam ate their car with them inside.

At this point, I should mention that the jam has been growing bigger with each item it devours. It grew bigger and bigger, and started to spread out of the business district and more to the surrounding areas such as the school, cul-de-sac, and junkyard.

**XxXxX**

"Well, now I know what they mean by 'you can't go home again.'" Eddy stated, he was sitting on a ruined couch in the junkyard while reading a discarded Playguy he found.

"I hardly think that Thomas Wolfe was talking about being shot by his neighbors!" Double-D snapped.

"Hey, we survived, right?"

"THERE'S A HOLE IN MY CHEST!" Double-D yelled, showing a sizable hole through his metal chest.

"You're still moving right? You're fine."

"How's this Double-D?" Ed asked as he carried over a huge sheet of metal.

Double-D sighed, "It'll do...I wish I had some tools to work with this..." suddenly his left hand turned into a blowtorch.

Eddy was unfazed, "You know, at this point I stopped questioning it."

Double-D decided that was best to not wonder where the blowtorch came from, and went to fix the hole in his chest with the sheet metal. Ed on the other hand climbed up a junk pile to get a view of the town.

"Hey guys! There's a lot of jam coming this way!" Ed yelled.

"You're just hallucinating again Ed." Eddy told him.

"No, really! Look!"

Eddy looked up from the magazine to see the jam slowly growing up the road.

"The fuck? I wondered what that strawberry smell was...huh?" Eddy covered his ears, "AH! WHAT?"

"What's the matter Eddy?" asked Double-D-Bot.

"I keep hearing someone yelling! Make it stop!" yelled Eddy.

Double-D looked over at the jam, suddenly his eyes went into "scan mode", he saw that inside the jam were a bunch of people inside. "Good Lord! There are people trapped inside there!"

"Tell them to shut up! I can't hear myself think!"

"Eddy, we have to help them!"

"Why? They'll just shoot at us or something!"

Double-D groaned, "Look, the faster we save them, the faster the yelling goes away! Think of it like that!"

Eddy kept his hands over his ears, "Fine! Ed, do something!"

Ed smiled, "Really? I get to do something?"

"Yes! Go use your arms or something!"

Ed stood up and made a pose with his four fists on his hips, "Time to get those citizens out of a jam!" and ran towards the you-know-what.

"Christ, that sounded stupid." Eddy mumbled.

Eddy and Double-D watched as Ed tried to punch the jam. His fists got stuck, and he was soon eaten.

But then again, what did you expect to happen?

"Oh no! Ed!" Double-D screamed.

The jam then headed for Double-D and Eddy.

"...well, shit. This is it Double-D." said Eddy as he now stood next to Double-D.

"Eddy, before we go, I just wanted you to know that I always valued your friendship, I even felt like we were closer than that!"

Eddy scratched the back of his head, "Er, thanks. I guess I should tell you that I was the one who threw up in your hat and then blamed it on Ed."

Double-D picked him up off the ground in a vice grip, "YOU DID WHAT?"

The jam got closer and the two remaining hideously deformed mutants of superhuman size and strength screamed.

Then the jam stopped.

The two kept screaming until they realized the jam stopped.

Up in the helicopter, Dr. Frankenbeans and Dick saw that the jam had stopped.

Suddenly, something burst out of the jam. Something big and green with four arms. It was eating the jam from the inside.

"NOM-NOM-NOM-NOM!"

It was Ed.

Ed kept eating the jam.

He ate, and ate, and ate, and ate, and ate, and ate, and ate, and ate, and ate, and ate, and ate, and ate, and ate, and ate, and ate, and ate, and ate, and ate, and ate, and ate, and ate, and ate, and ate, and ate, and ate, and ate, and ate until it was all gone.

Everything that was inside the jam was now free, albeit a bit sticky and smelling like strawberries. Ed licked his fingers clean in the middle of town.

A bit away from him were the two cops from earlier in their police car.

"Well, what do you know Kat? That big green guy just, like, saved us all." Jules pointed out.

Kat nodded, "Mmhmm, he sure did."

"Should we, like, celebrate or something?"

"Nah, we shouldn't let it go to his head."

Soon enough, Eddy and Double-D ran to where Ed was resting.

"Ed, you saved the town!" cheered Double-D.

"I did?" Ed asked.

"Yeah, ya big lug!" Eddy told him.

Ed wrapped his four arms around his two friends (two arms per friend) and crushed them in a double hug, "YAY! I'm a superhero!"

"Ed, my hardware!" Double-D complained.

"My spine!" yelled Eddy.

Ed let go, and the three enjoyed a moment of peace until a shot rang out. They turned towards Rolf and the other kids who have all gathered weapons.

"THERE THEY ARE! GET 'EM!" Kevin yelled.

"What the? We just SAVED your asses!" Eddy yelled back.

The angry mob wouldn't listen.

"Eddy, we should leave." Double-D suggested.

"Hey, I make the calls around here! RUN FOR IT!"

The Eds all ran off while the mob of kids chased after them. They all ran past the police car.

"Whoa, did that foreign kid have, like, a shotgun?" asked Jules.

"Yup, looks like it." said Kat.

"Isn't that, like, illegal?"

"Yep, sure is."

The two police women stayed in the police car, still not doing anything.

**XxXxX**

Up in the sky, the angry scientist was angry. Shocking, I know.

"SON OF A SASQUATCH! WHAT JUST HAPPENED?" yelled Dr. Frankenbeans.

"Well, it looks like th' jam was eaten by that green fella." Dick pointed out.

"I am WELL AWARE of that Dick! Now what I want to know is HOW could that have happened?"

"Well it IS jam, doc."

"Don't get all smart mouth, Dick. I mean how is it that some GREEN KID just appear out of nowhere and EAT IT ALL?"

Dick scratched his chin and thought, "Well, could be that th' guy fell into th' barrels we had earlier."

Frankenbeans slapped Dick, "No, that's just stupid! They probably just fell into the barrels we had earlier!"

Dick rubbed his head, "Right doc, so what do we do?"

"We must find a way to DESTROY that green kid!"

"Ya mean, kill him?"

"What, am I speaking GREEK? YES!"

"Well doc, that might need to wait a bit. All our equipment's at the lab back in-"

"I KNOW! Have it all shipped here! EXPRESS! Money is NOT an ISSUE!" there was a dramatic close up on Dr. Frankenbeans face, "FROM HERE ON OUT, WE ARE OPERATING IN PEACH CREEK!"

Dick just shrugged, "Eh, it's a living."

**To Be Continued...**


End file.
